|
|
- resimli,komik simon worman tarafından yazılmış kullanma kılavuzu mahiyetindeki eğlenceli kitap.
official rule 1: the have some stash rule:
this rule says it all:if you don't have any marijuana, you can't smoke a joint.
if you don't have a joint, this book won't mean a whole to you.
if you do have a joint, simon sez: spark it up!
official rule 2: the rolling paper rule, without rolling papers you cannot roll a joint.
this rule is as important as the first rule. you should never find yourself needing rolling papers after partaking in a joint. if you do, be prepared for funny looks from all-night garage staff when you ask for your packets of skins and seventeen twixes.
official rule 3: the fire rule, you must have some fire to light the joint
otherwise you can't smoke it.
matches, a lighter, even a magnifying glass in direct sunlight will work. however, rubbing two sticks together is not very effective in this situation
official rule 4: the stashing the police when the police arrive rule
if the police show up at your door, it is everybody's responsability to look for anything that could be considered contaband and hide it.
the penalty for breaking this rule could be a long stay in her majesty's hotel. so, please, do not break this rule.
offical rule 5: the not cleaning the stash rule
this rule covers both rolling a joint with a seed in it and/or rolling a joint with a stem in it.
you must always be sure that your stash is clean before rolling a joint. if a seed exlodes in a bearded person's face due to the fact that you did not clean the stash properly, you be severly beaten
the second part of this rule is not as severe as the first. sometimes a joint will smoke with a stem in it. in this case, you got lucky and will not be penalised.
remember, to clean the stash properly, be sure to use the braille method of feeling the weed and making sure it's clean
official rule 6: the lighting the joint properly rule
this rule is very important, because you always want to ensure that your joints don't run.
it is not the fault of the joint roller if the joint runs due to improper lighting technique.
the proper ligting procedure is as follows: inhale with the flame touching the joint. don't light the joint away from your mouth. lighting a joint and then bringing it to your mouth to inhale is a punishable offence.
official rule 7: the if you want to smoke one rule
basically, this rule says that if you want to smoke a joint, you have to be able to roll one.
paper surrounding stash does not constitute a rolled joint. the joint should be cylindrical and the stash evenly distributed across the length of the paper. nor should it look all twisted at the ends!
note: some people get out of this job by supplying stash for someone else to roll. this is an acceptable exception to the rule.
official rule 8: the rolling a joint with a hole in it rule
while always considered poor form, sometimes violating this rule carries no penalty. if the hole is small enough, and you can put your finger over it and use the hole as a carburettor until you've burned past it, then it will be ok.
if the hole is so big that this is not possible and you must re-roll it, then you have also broken the re-rolling the joint rule (see rule #13)
official rule 9: the rolling a joint too small rule
hopefully, everyone is intelligent enough not to break this rule.
we must assume that the only possible reason why this rule would be broken is due to insufficient amounts of stash.
if you're out of stash, you are allowed to roll a small joint. if that's the case, then you are in accordance with the last joint rule (see rule #75)
we can't give you and exact measure as to the amount of stash that is in a proper joint. this is as subjective and territorrial as how you choose your favourite nickname for marijuana. however, weight should be approximately 0,5 - 0,7 grams.
official rule 10: the don't argue with the roller rule
you must always remember this rule. the penalty for breaking this rule could be the entire joint.
if the roller is also the owner of the stash, you could also be breaking "the insulting the owner of the stash rule" (see rule #33)
the penalty for breaking one or both of these rules extends for the entire length of your visit.
note:if you break both of these rules, make sure that the roller/owner is not your supplier.
official rule 11:the if you rolled it rule
this is another simple rule. if you rolled the joint, then you definitely have to help smoke it.
note: there are no exceptions to this rule.
official rule 12:the rolling a joint that won't smoke rule
if you roll a joint that won't smoke, you must re-roll the joint. the penalty is that you are not allowed to partake of the re-rolled joint.
note: we understand that this is a stiff penalty, but if you want to smoke a joint, you should at least be able to roll one (see rule #7)
one more note: you might be able to avoid the penalty by complying with the "re-rolling the joint rule" (see rule #13)
official rule 13: the re-rolling the joint rule
if the joint has to be re-rolled, you have one more chance to try (and succeed)
should you fail this time, the joint will be rolled by someone else. the joint will be bigger and you will not be allowed to smoke any of it. even if it's rolled from your stash
note: in the event that it is your stash and you get pissed off and proceed to leave with said stash, you are then breaking "the arsehole rule" ( see rule #42)
official rule 14: the newspaper rule
a 1 1/4 width rolling paper is more than sufficient to roll a joint. most people prefer to smoke marijuana, not paper.
if you're using enough paper to write on, then you should be a journalist. make up your mind: are you rolling a joint or writing a book?
official rule 15: the roll a joint first rule
if you have a flatmate and there is enough stash on the tray, you should be polite and have joint rolled and ready for his or her arrival home.
this not only allows your flatmate to relax, but it strengthens your friendship as well.
if you live more than one flatmate, it is very likely that one of them will be caught by "the you sleep you lose rule" (see rule #31)
official rule 16: the bogart rule
don't take more than the toke you're allowed. going trough life with a nickname like humprey or hoover could be psychologically damaging.
the penalty for breaking this rule is at least one toke for each time the rule is broken. if you continue to break this rule, stiffer penalties can and almost, will be enforced!
note: we have discovered that breaking this rule in some places could be fatal.
official rule 17: the on the tray rule
if the tray is left out, and there is pot on it, feel free to help yourself! that is what it's there for.
after all, marijuana is meant to be shared.
official rule 18: the air freshener rule
don't let the joint burn away without someone taking a hit.
the penalty for breaking this rule depends upon the availabiliity of stash. you could be severly beaten for wasting precious smoke. how much punishment is exacted depends on how close you friends really are.
official rule 19: the don't let the join run rule
when a joint comes to you and it is running, don't be and arsehole, fix it!
first, turn the joint up so that the side with the run is on top (heat rises, remember). proceed to take smooth, slow tokes, thus allowing the hot air to rise and create a fire along the paper that needs to be burnt away. next, wet your index finger (ladies, please be careful of your nails) and make a complete circle around the joint, starting at the lowest burning point.
if you break this rule, you might get away with blaming it on the person who had the joint before you. this depends on how badly the joint is running.
official rule 20: the in the middle rule
this is one of my personal favourites. if you're in the middle and you have to keep passing the joint back and forth, you are allowed to double toke the joint. traficking fees, of course.
you don't have to double toke, but you are allowed to do so. as long as you are in the middle, you cannot be penalised under "the bogart rule"(see rule #16)
unless, of course, you get caught breaking "the in the middle bogart rule" (see rule #21)
note: this rule is limited to three person situations. when there are more than three people, double toking is in violation of "the bogart rule" (see rule #16)
official rule 21: the in the middle bogart rule
as with rule #20, this rule is limited to three person situations. if you are in the middle, you are allowed to double toke, but you are not allowed to keep toking and toking while you space out. this is the point at which you cross the line.
the penalty for breaking this rule is the same as "the bogart rule" (see rule #16)
official rule 22: the smoke one with your supplier rule
when you score some smoke, be sure to say "thank you" to your supplier by smoking a joint together.
sometimes, due to time constraints or other circumstances, this may not be possible. in this instance, please leave enough of your stash for a future joint with them. don't be stingy.
official rule 23: the letting the joint go out rule
if you can't pay attention to a lit object in your hand, then you don't need to be smoking a joint.
you must watch out for people who break this rule. these people should be cut off indefinitely.
official rule 24: the giving a joint to the person who is already penalised rule
if you give the joint to someone who is already penalised for breaking a rule, then you become the penalised person and the original rule breaker is exonerated of his/her wrongdoings.
note: beware of the people who are penalised and try to catch you with this rule.
official rule 25: the lightweight rule
if you're too wimpy to smoke the joint that is currently beeing passed around, then you're obviously too wimpy to smoke for the rest of your visit.
official rule 26: the vintage rule
this rule is the only rule that allows you to be a lightwieght without breaking "the lightweight rule" (see rule #25)
in order to claim the vintage rule, you must be the oldest person in the room.
official rule 27: the last joint of the night rule
everone has to smoke the last joint of the night before going to bed or leaving, whichever the case may be.
official rule 28: the knocking over the tray rule
this also known as "the death penalty rule". especially if what was on the tray was all that was left.
people usually die in this situation, so please pay attention and do not break this rule.
official rule 29: the smoking the last joint on the tray rule
never smoke the last joint on the tray by yourself
you must share the last joint on the tray with your flatmate. if you have no flatmate, you must share it with a friend.
if you do smoke the last joint on the tray by yourself, then you are also breaking the "bogart rule"(see rule #16) and "the arsehole rule" (see rule #42). please share.
official rule 30: the not leaving something on the tray rule
family does not leave family without leaving something on the tray.
this is cruel and unusual punishment, unless of course you have nothing to leave. in which case, we're all out of luck.
official rule 31: the you snooze you lose rule
if you aren't around when the joint is burning, it is your loss.
official rule 32: the taking longer than the alloted amount of time rule
if someone has to keep reminding you to take your hit, or you take too long to take your toke, you lose it.
habitual breakers of this rule will also be breaking "the you snooze you lose rule" (see rule #31)
note: habitual breakers of rule #32 could also be subject to penalties under the "bogart rule" (see rule #16)
official rule 33: the insulting the owner of the stash rule
you must never insult the owner of the stash. especially when they are rolling the joint (see rule #10)
official rule 34: the holding out rule
if someone comes round and they have a joint and don't smoke it with you, they are breaking this rule. if you are breaking this rule, you are also breaking "the arsehole rule" (see rule #42)
the penalty for this could be severe. we've said it before and we'll say it again: marijuana was meant to be shared. if you have a joint, you should share it.
official rule 35: the endless joint rule
no matter how long a joint seems to burn, you must smoke it until it's all gone.
in the event that this is your last joint, you may save some of it.
official rule 36: the changing or forgetting direction rule
this is a teracherous rule. the more joints you smoke, the more often this rule is broken, so please be aware.
it is important to remember where the joint came from and which way it is going. individuals in the middle are prone to breaking this rule, and can sometimes avoid being penalised by in invoking "the in the middle rule" (see rule #20). however, if they cross the line, the are breaking "the in the middle bogart rule" (see rule #21)
official rule 37: the turn-about rule
if someone calls your name more than three times to take a joint, and you still don't take it, the the joint does a turn-about and starts to travel in the other direction. you then become the end of the line.
when breaking this rule, you not only lose the joint for your self, but you could piss of the person next to you who was paying attention. this could result in bodily harm.
official rule 38: the changing place in line rule
every so often, you will encounter a person who moves back and forth in line to get extra tokes. this is usually happens in large groups of poeple.
at times this is purely coincidental. there are even times when it is accidental. regardless, you are still breaking a rule, so watch yourself!
the penalty could be severe, especially if you are caught repeatedly breaking this rule.
official rule 39: the when you get caugt with to joints at the same time rule
when you're at a party, or there just happens to be two or more joints going in different directions at the same time, and they both end up in your hands, you must definetly take a hit off both joints. traficking fees, of course.
if both joints are going in the same direction, and they both end up in your hands, then you are smoking too slowly. in this case you could be breaking "the taking longer than the alloted amount of time rule" (see rule #32)
official rule 40: the hospitality rule
if a friend comes to your house bearing gifts, you must always say thank you by smoking a joint with them.
official rule 41: the proper way to pass a joint rule
the proper way to pass a joint is with your hand cupped upward and around the fire and ashes. should you drop the joint while passing it, it will fall into your hand and not on the floor.
official rule 42: the arsehole rule
this rule is about people who are arseholes because they won't let you have a hit even though it's your turn.
sometimes they play the teasing game, holding the joint just out of your reach. no matter how far you stretch to reach them, they are always just out of reach. these people are arseholes and should be avoided.
official rule 43: the over-indulding rule
over-indulding is when the person in front of you decides they to take as long and slow a hit possible, just to make you wait. if this person coughs, they are breaking "the over-indulding rule"
the penalty if you break this rule is that everyone in the room will kick the shit out of you and tell you what an arsehole you really are. however, this is not to be confused with "the arsehole rule" (see rule #42). and as if that weren't bad enough, you also won't be allowed to partake in at least the rest of this joint, and perhaps the next one as well.
official rule 44: the coastal rule
if you go to the beach to watch a sunset, you must always take at least one joint. failure to do so will probably spoil the sunset.
note: sometimes you must break this rule due to presence of police (see rule #4)
official rule 45: the don't come over without a joint rule
as your mother (hopefully) told you, if you've invited to someone's house, you should never arrive empty handed. therefore, if you go to someone's house, be sure to take a joint.
of course, there will be times when you can't take a joint because you simply don't have one. this is a valid excuse, unless it becomes a habit, in which case you are breaking "the come over and scavenging joints rule" (see rule # 46)
official rule 46: the come over and scavenging joints rule
there are certain people who always seem to be around when you're ready to smoke a joint. it alse seems like these people never have a joint. this very inconsiderate.
the penalty ranges from social isolation to a severe beating.
official rule 47: the dropping the joint rule
dropping a joint every once in a while is ok. however, if your hand someone a joint and they consistently (more than three times) drop it, they are breaking the rules.
once a person breaks this rule, it is obvious that he or she is too stoned to smoke and should be cut off immediately.
should this happen, the person in question is also breaking "the too stoned to smoke rule" (see rule # 53)
official rule 48: the tossing the joint rule
there are times when passing joints becomes too difficult. at these times, it is easier to toss joints back and forth. when tossed correctly, they are easy to catch and will not burn holes in your carpet.
note: some households have very nice carpeting. it is not polite to toss joints in these homes.
official rule 49: the don't get the joint wet rule
this is simple really: don't get the joint wet or the damn thing won't smoke!
sometimes accidents happen and you might drop the joint in a drink. when this happens, you are also breaking "the dropping the joint rule" (see rule #47)
however, there are other ways to break this rule. if you slobber all over the end of a joint while taking a toke, for example. your companions may become enraged to discover that you don't understand a simple, basic rule of joint smoking. it is possible that they will no longer allow you to smoke with them.
official rule 50: the author of this book is expempt from all rule rule
this is a rule to cover my arse, just in case someday, somewhere, somebody might try to catch me breaking a rule.
official rule 51: the illustrator of this book is from all rules rule
official rule 52: the smoke the joint or else rule
you must either smoke the joint or suffer the owner of the stash's wrath. refusing hospitality is the height of bad manners.
note: this rule does not apply to people who do not smoke pot.
official rule 53: the too stoned to smoke rule
if you're too stoned to smoke the joint being passed around, that is ok. you don't have to smoke any of it.
just remember, you won't be allowed to smoke any of the next one either.
official rule 54: the new person arriving rule
whenever a person comes to your house, you should smoke a joint together. if you have just finished smoking a joint, you may be exempt by claiming "the you snooze you lose rule" (see rule #31)
if a new person arrives, you must make sure that they are not breaking "the don't come over without a joint rule" (see rule #45). if they aren't breaking the rule, you will get to smoke another joint anyway.
official rule 55: the a-r (already rolled) rule
if you're going to take a joint somewhere, it's better if it's already rolled (a-r). this makes it easier to smoke while you're out and about. because, as you probably know, it's hard to roll a joint in the wind.
note: it has been brought to my attention that these are called "travelling joints". a traveling joint should have the bottom end folded like an enveloppe, or be twisted, so that you don't lose stash while travelling.
official rule 56: the bar rule
if you are going to your favourite bar, you may want to have a bar joint (similar in concept to the a-r joint, see rule #55) ready to smoke with your friends on your way there.
if you don't have one to share with them, the may use you as a pool cue in a fight.
official rule 57: the cruisin' rule
when smoking a joint en route, the direction of the joint should always be anti-clockwise.
we must remember not to be obvious about smoking a joint while cruisin'.
don take a toke when your car is passing or passed by another vehicle. it could be the police.
official rule 58: the travelling rule
when travelling, particularly if it's to go to a gig, you must smoke continuously. smoking makes a crap band good and a good band great.
remember, "the cruisin' rule" (see rule #57) is always in effect.
official rule 59: the rolling the perfect joint rule
rolling a perfect joint excludes you from any penalty, especially if it's your stash.
note: a perfect joint is hand-rolled, not with a rolling machine, but looks as though it were. a perfect joint will never run.
another note: practice makes it perfect, so practice every day!
official rule 60: the ripping the last paper rule
if you rip the last paper, you are automatically elected to go to the shop and buy some more.
please refer to "the rolling paper rule" (see rule #2) when you run this errand.
official rule 61: the time for a toke rule
all you have to do is say what time it is, and that's the time for a toke. this rule applies, no matter what the time is.
example: "-it's 10:37, time for a toke!"
note: this rule existed long before 4:20 did.
official rule 62: the bag delivary rule
if you're dropping off some dope to your friends you definitely get to smoke a joint out of it.
official rule 63: the taking too long to roll a joint rule
there is no exact time limit on rolling a joint. however, if you seem to take forever and a day to roll a joint, then you are breaking this rule.
a time limit can be voted on by a show of hands.
note: it's not a good idea to keep people who wants to smoke a joint waiting.
official rule 64: if you bummed a joint, you must roll it rule
bummed joints should be on the small side- it doesn't have to be a pinner, but don't make it a hog leg either. remember, you are smoking thanks to the generosity of a friend and it's free. so be cool!
note: if it is necessary to bum a paper to roll with as well, you must smoke said joint with the person who gave up the paper.
official rule 65: the taking too long to roll the joint you just bummed rule
when you've bummed a joint, it's important to keep in mind: you have just bummed someone's stash, so don't waste their time taking too long to roll the joint.
in the event that you just dropped in to bum a joint, you should make a special effort not to break this rule. however, if you have bummed the joint after partying with the owner(s) of the stash, then leniancy is given as everyone is probably stoned and therefore not as likely to notice time passing.
official rule 66: the hospital rule
you must always have a joint ready to greet a person when they come home from hospital.
official rule 67: the ash rule
you must remember to be polite and use an ashtray.
if you let the ash fall on the floor, you could be severly punished. particularly if you host or hostess has nice carpet.
you are also breaking this rule if you pass a joint with a flickable ash and you're the one closest to the ashtray and don't flick.
the penalty for this is that you must follow the joint around with and ashtray in hand to make sure nobody else breaks this rule.
official rule 68: the breakfast joint rule
good morning, it's wake-n-bake time! you must always smoke a breakfast joint, since the first joints of the day is usually the best joint of the day.
note: you could ruin the entire day if you break this rule and go without.
official rule 69: the bedroom joint rule
if you're heading to your bedroom with a friend, then you definitely need to take a joint with you.
smoiking a joint between passionate lovemaking sessions is wonderful.
note: if you take a joint to bed, just to smoke by yourself before you go to sleep, and you neglect everyone else in the house, you are breaking "the last joint of the night rule" (see rule #27)
official rule 70: the after-dinner joint rule
if you are the first to finish the meal, you must roll the after-dinner joint.
everyone knows a joint tastes especially good after eating.
official rule 71: the lunch joint rule
since you probably only have half an hour for lunch, you must hurry to smoke this one because you'll need to eat in this time as well
due to the time shortage, your lunch joint must be an a-r (see rule #55)
official rule 72: the special occasion rule
if you are going somewhere for a special occasion, you need to take along at least one joint.
official rule 73: the roach clip rule
after the joint has burned two thirds of the way, put your roach clip on it. this ensures your enjoyment of the entire joint.
note: the person clever enough to realise they have reached this points corrects the situation with proper clip placement gets an extra toke.
another note: you should be clever enough to complete this task without us telling you how. but, in case you are a total muppet, here are some instructions: you should place the clip in such a position, pinching the joint just enough to hold it steady, while still allowing for free passage of the inhaled smoke. you lose a hit if the next person can't take a smooth toke due to improper placement.
official rule 74: the wasting paper rule
sometimes rolling papers are to come by, so if you waste one intentionally, you are an arsehole(not to be confused with rule # 42)
your penalty will be that you aren't allowed to smoke any of the joint. you might be allowed to smoke some of the next one, depending how much your friends like you, and the availability of papers.
if you have just wasted the last paper, have to go and but more papers (see rule #2)
note: sometimes you tear a paper acciedentally. if this happens, you are allowed one more paper to re-roll the joint (see rule #13). unless, of course, you accidentally tore the last paper (see rule #60)
official rule 75: the last joint rule
if it's the last joint, there's no more stash, so you'd better smoke while you can because once it's gone, it's gone!
note: the last joint can be any size. it may be small due to the fact that it's the last of the stash. in this instance, pinners are acceptable.
afiyet olsun!
|
